umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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