I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
