Got a toothbrush?
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
