I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
