I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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