last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
