I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
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