just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
