she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
organizing the empties. That sober.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
