Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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