in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Less talking, more tequila
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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