Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
