did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
