What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Randomize
