seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
