nut hugger
absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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