my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
