Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
