I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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