sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
