just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize