: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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