that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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