You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
