i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize