theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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