So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
40s are totally the cure
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
