this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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