Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
We are all done wearing pants today
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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