I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
