drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
