Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You need a sexual gate keeper
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
