I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
