i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
