sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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