I heard we made out
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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