There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
