When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
