made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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