I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
i need some magic done to my vagina
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
