everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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