i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
