i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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