rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
