They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
