I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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