I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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