i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
