somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
