Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
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