I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
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