What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
