and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
