I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
