the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize