I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
