in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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